Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Focus

It's interesting how life's changes alter the focus of your life. At the beginning of 2008, I was very focused on school and career. I was looking forward to being an empty-nester. Both my teenagers' world was no longer focused on me. I knew they still needed me but I wasn't the center of their world any longer.

Then, I got pregnant. I was unhappy but tried to look at the bright side of it. A baby was always a good thing. The biggest worry was giving birth to a special needs baby. Being of a ripe old age of 44 in maternity years, our fear was that we would produce a child whom neither one of us were capable of dealing with. All the tests proved that the baby was indeed healthy and normal.

The moment Matthew was born, my focus completely changed from myself to him. I no longer cared about career and school. As a young mother, I was still very selfish, putting myself first at every turn. Not that self-absorption is a bad thing but in my haste to make my children independent, I perhaps failed at being there for them all the time.

This was different. My new baby became my world and raising him became my focus. I don't know if this is sick obsession or maturity. I can give to this one what I failed to give to my older children. I realize that career and stuff is so unimportant and that self is usually full of shit.

This little boy is my sunshine.

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